i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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