i already hear my dad disowning me
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
