happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
