Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
be right there i have to get my cape
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
