Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
