I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
