your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
