He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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