I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
