Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
