Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
