I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
