Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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