I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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