she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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