my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
