I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
there's paper in my vomit.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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