I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
