I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
