I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
