If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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