I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
