Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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