Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
