Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
