He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
