just tell him i said nine months
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Randomize
