Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
this beer tastes like vomit already
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
