So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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