I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You ruined the universe
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
