Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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