I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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