best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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