This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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