I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
