tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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