do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
