I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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