I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
