hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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