I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
