Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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