Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
either way he was missing a nipple.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
