I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
