When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
