I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
