I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
