I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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