Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
