she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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