6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
well you can't waste a boner
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
