I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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