yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
