apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
