yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
