Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
