i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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