Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
