I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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